Category: relationships

“All I Want to Know Is Why”

I hear this question from partners and those who are dealing with sex addiction as well. A partner will ask, “why did he do it?” Why did he go outside of the sexual boundaries of the relationship? So often, the addict will answer with “I don’t know.” Although it often seems like this answer is avoidance, it often is the truth. A great deal of recovery for sex addicts is gaining a better understanding into the basis of their behavior.

So as the partner of someone who has gone outside of the boundaries of your relationship, how do you deal with this understandable question? You wanting to understand the reasons why this person, who you thought you knew, would go outside of your boundaries is understandable. Knowing the origins of this question for yourself can help you process through this.

Many times, partners who have been subjected to this difficult time are questioning their own place in this situation. They wonder if they sexually did something wrong. At this time, it is important to remember that sex addiction is not about sex, but more about problems with intimacy and attachment. None of these problems were created by you. Rather, they were likely formed well before you even met your partner or spouse.

This is what can make it very difficult for the addict to understand. What seemed to be only deception for the addict is now very complicated. It’s likely difficult to sympathize with these complications at this point in your partner’s recovery, which is why it is very helpful for you to have supportive counseling yourself to process this through. Know that your questions are valid ones, but your addicted partner likely has a genuine lack of understanding at this time, which will make it difficult for him to answer. With the right help and support, you both can learn and grow together to make better sense of this difficult situation.

Read More
In Love With A Fantasy

Romantic relationships are challenging. This is undeniable. When two different people come together, who have different points of view, and different perspectives, finding a balance can be challenging. For some, it is such a challenge that they would rather shape their partner into someone else, rather than accept who their partner already is. If left to it’s own device, this fantasy-ridden way of thinking about your relationship can lead to resentment, frustration, and pain.

When working to identify your part of a dissatisfaction in your relationship, you need to first acknowledge the fantasies that you have about the relationship. These fantasies may be about your sexual relationship, the attention that you receive from the other person, and the experiences that you want to share. Then you need take personal responsibility for these fantasies. If you don’t take the time to acknowledge that these fantasies come from you, then the negative feelings that you have about your partner will likely increase. Your partner will take the brunt of the frustration that you feel about the discrepancy between what is and how you want things to be.

Fantasy is not a problem by itself. We all have different fantasies of how we would like things to be. This may be one way to brainstorm, so that you can establish personal goals. However, you’re only responsible for your own actions and reactions. You can’t attempt to change your partner’s behavior, and reach contentment. You can only communicate what you prefer, and let what happens happen.

Viewing your relationship in this way can be very empowering. After you take responsibility for your own fantasies, you can find a common ground for yourself. You won’t have to be on a chase for something that you have no control of: another person’s behavior. You can make decisions for yourself, and determine what you want, and what you are willing to compromise. Most importantly, you define your own level of contentment, and find a way to share this with someone else.

Read More