sex addiction

The Importance of Trauma Therapy for Sex Addiction

Trauma therapy is easy to understand as an important part of therapy for partners of sex addicts. After having experienced the discovery of a sexual acting out, symptoms of trauma tend to remain for some time for partners. However, trauma therapy is not as easily understood as an important part of treatment for sex addicts themselves. The focus of managing your sexual behavior takes center stage early in recovery, and can hold its place there throughout therapy. This is how sex addiction therapy should work, yet in the background, there is trauma that is often coming from two directions, which can go ignored. This background has to be brought to the center stage, so that it can first be recognized, and then addressed, for the best probable long-term outcome.

Behind the double-life, sexual acting out, and intimacy issues, there is often trauma, yet it’s often not easily recognizable. When we think of trauma, we tend to think of single, major events. Although some sex addicts did have a single event that occurred, such as a sexual assault, many of them also had issues with neglect, poor familial boundaries, shaming households, and bullying. These are just a few on an very long list of types of trauma that are often down-played, ignored, or compartmentalized.

When in the addiction, many times, people are struggling with reactivity. They have a long history of coping mechanisms that they have utilized to protect themselves. These very things that used to protect them, end up wreaking havoc in their present day lives. Trauma therapy can untangle these reactive lessons that get stored inside. As a result, addicts can learn true intimacy and connection.

As sex addiction counseling progresses, and sex addicts start to heal and open themselves up to the emotions that they’re experiencing, they can see some painful parts of what has happened. They better recognize how they feel. They remember the pain. They’re coping with shame. Some of this can be traumatic.

With many of my clients, we have to work on dealing with the trauma of what has happened. There are many ways that people can work on trauma in their therapy, however, there are two that are very well respected. EMDR and Somatic Experiencing both can help people process and move through the emotion, meaning, and stuck points of their trauma. Although they are different, they both use our own natural ways of healing through traumatic experiences.

Although trauma can be something that is difficult to address and accept, it is an integral part of long-term healing. By allowing this type of healing to take place, you’ll be better equipped to handle difficult situations in your life and relationships.

New Years Resolutions For Sex Addicts In Recovery

When thinking of the New Year approaching, we naturally start thinking about goals to set for the upcoming year. When establishing goals for the next year, there is one factor that I challenge most of my clients to seriously consider. This factor is that of authenticity. Authenticity when establishing any New Years Resolution is often the key to whether we make life long changes or not. In other words, are you making these commitments to change for yourself, or are you making them to appease or even appeal to others?

Many times, we make resolutions that are much more externally motivated, rather than internally motivated. This is not to say that external motivation is bad, but internal motivation is much more powerful. The best way to do this is to identify what it is that you value, and knowing why you value it. These values may be things that you’re currently being congruent with, but they also might be things that you aspire to be. Therefore, don’t cut them out just because you’re not currently fully engaging in them. A great resource for assessing your values is by looking at a list of values and prioritizing them until you get to your top ten. Once you get your list of top ten values, compare it with your goals for the upcoming year, and see how well they match.

The importance of such a list for many addicts is that they often are still engaging in addict thinking, without knowing that they are doing so. Keep on the lookout for goals that surround intensity and attention-seeking. These often are disguised and even rationalized as success, but are really the brain’s way of triggering the addict part of yourself, without much serious balance. Always keep those values in mind when you set goals. Go over them with your sponsor and your therapist, and in time you’ll have a working list of goals that won’t make you give up your authenticity in the process.

The Dreaded Holiday after Cheating

The holidays can be overwhelming in the most normal of circumstances. Thus, approaching a holiday after an infidelity or affair can seem like the most daunting of tasks. This is a delicate process that needs to have some planning behind it before you enter into this particular arena. There is no right or wrong way to handle this complicated time. However, these questions can help you in making a plan that can make it easier for you to handle.

1. Who do you trust?
We don’t trust everyone who is part of our family. Sometimes this is one of the things that can make the holidays tricky, even without such a difficult circumstance as an infidelity. The pressures associated with the holidays can leave you feeling very alone. Identifying a member of the family that you really do trust with this information can help you feel like you have an ally in those lonely moments.

2. Are you able to spend time with your spouse or partner’s family?
This can be an extremely emotional thing to handle. Sometimes, those who have been cheated on aren’t emotionally ready for this, but they soldier on through regardless. This can create even more trauma. Recognizing what you’re able to handle at this time, and respecting this for yourself is not easy, but can help you in the long run.

3. Do you know relaxation techniques?
Learning techniques to help with feelings of emotional flooding can help you to cope with the stresses of the holiday.

4. Do you have an escape plan?
It’s wise to come up with an escape plan should you feel like you need to have some time to yourself. Knowing what you would say to family in order to get out of the gathering should you need to can be extremely helpful.

5. What will you tell your family if they ask you questions?
Your family may ask questions or make statements about your relationship. Sometimes these are pure assumptions. It’s important for you to have a plan of what you will say to them, so you’re not overwhelmed when they do ask these questions.

6. Who is in your support section outside of your family?
It’s extremely important to have friends that you can call on to support you at any time. Knowing who these people are, and trusting in them at this time can help you in the very difficult situations.

Holidays can be tough. This list of questions is not final, because there are several intangible things that you have to consider. However, it can help you to prepare yourself, so that you don’t feel completely overwhelmed during the holiday season.

Untying the Knots of Your Past

Most often, addictions are like knots that are held tightly together. Somewhere along the way, unmet needs and unrecognized emotions have become linked together with the behavior that you’re trying to overcome. Sex and love addictions are no exception to this rule. Whether it be the need for intimacy or the fear of intimacy, the need to prove your worthiness to yourself or others, or the need to reconcile something from your past, an addictive behavior is how this can be played out in your adult life.

Many times, these needs are so covered up by layers of chaos, shame, and external risks that they go unnoticed. Serial dating, multiple affairs, compulsive porn use, and obsessive romantic infatuation all become reactive ways of avoiding the painful realizations that come from recognizing these unmet needs. This takes bravery and personal responsibility of the problems in your life. It also takes acceptance of what you are and are not currently able to engage in. For example, having been part of a relationships that seemed to be missing something doesn’t necessarily mean that you should seek out another relationship. It means taking the time to reassess what works for you, what doesn’t, and understanding both sides of this.

These links take time to untangle. Some are readily on the surface, waiting to be examined. Others, such as past familial relationships and buried emotions can take some time to pull out. These deeper knots should not be rushed to untie, and are best handled with the help of a professional. They can be quite painful to open up, and it’s best to have support when doing so.

It’s seldom that an any addictive behavior is only about the behavior itself. Sex and love addiction are no exception to this. They really aren’t about sex and love at all. Instead, they are more about old emotional wounds, a lack of acceptance of how you feel, and unmet, interpersonal needs. Thus, managing the behavior and avoiding relapse are often contingent on identifying and understanding these tightly bound knots in your life.

“All I Want to Know Is Why”

I hear this question from partners and those who are dealing with sex addiction as well. A partner will ask, “why did he do it?” Why did he go outside of the sexual boundaries of the relationship? So often, the addict will answer with “I don’t know.” Although it often seems like this answer is avoidance, it often is the truth. A great deal of recovery for sex addicts is gaining a better understanding into the basis of their behavior.

So as the partner of someone who has gone outside of the boundaries of your relationship, how do you deal with this understandable question? You wanting to understand the reasons why this person, who you thought you knew, would go outside of your boundaries is understandable. Knowing the origins of this question for yourself can help you process through this.

Many times, partners who have been subjected to this difficult time are questioning their own place in this situation. They wonder if they sexually did something wrong. At this time, it is important to remember that sex addiction is not about sex, but more about problems with intimacy and attachment. None of these problems were created by you. Rather, they were likely formed well before you even met your partner or spouse.

This is what can make it very difficult for the addict to understand. What seemed to be only deception for the addict is now very complicated. It’s likely difficult to sympathize with these complications at this point in your partner’s recovery, which is why it is very helpful for you to have supportive counseling yourself to process this through. Know that your questions are valid ones, but your addicted partner likely has a genuine lack of understanding at this time, which will make it difficult for him to answer. With the right help and support, you both can learn and grow together to make better sense of this difficult situation.

Regaining Trust

When trying to regain your partner’s trust, it’s understandable to have a sense of urgency. Whether you are trying to prevent your partner from leaving, or feel terrible about the pain that your partner is experiencing, you likely feel anxious to rebuild your relationship and your life. Thus, having your partner express anger, distrust and sadness is very uncomfortable for you. However, quickly skipping through these emotions may not allow your partner to adequately heal, and may encourage hanging onto the past in the long run.

Coming clean about secrets that you’ve kept is an early and important step towards letting go of controlling perceptions about you that are purely built on a facade. To help your relationship heal, you have to continue to allow your partner walk through emotions. It’s unpleasant that someone who you care about is feeling this level of pain. It’s also natural that you want the pain to stop for your partner, but that’s not how emotional healing works. True healing takes time, and time is what is out of your control.

Therefore, pushing your partner to heal, when your partner isn’t ready, is going to come across as if you’re only focused on yourself. People can only heal themselves emotionally. They can’t be healed by someone else. Thus, with repeated betrayals, your partner is going to think that you are simply creating another illusion. Personal changes don’t tend to happen quickly, and your partner is going to be suspicious of your intentions. So rather than focus on your partner’s mood and behavior, it’s best to change the one thing that you can. Focus on identifying the problems in your life, controlling your behavior, and making true, long-term change. Your relationship will likely follow suit with your effort for true change as a result.

When You Catch Your Partner Cheating

The crisis that can accompany discovering that your partner is cheating on you can be quite traumatic. At times, this is so well hidden, that there was no previous inclination that cheating was even a possibility with this person. Whether it be an emotional affair, sex outside of the relationship, or cybersex chatting or phone sex, there is likely to be sense of serious betrayal. This may catch you completely off guard or you may have wondered if there was a concern that has now been verified. Either way, emotions are likely to be high at this time. It’s extremely challenging to know what to do next. Several questions may come to mind:

“Does he love me?”
“Did we have an healthy sex life?”
“Am I some how to blame?”
“Is the other person more attractive?”
“Is he questioning his sexual orientation?”
“Is our relationship hopeless?”
“Should I stay?”
“Can I ever trust him again?”

Any or all of these questions can lead you to feel angry, unsure, and sad. These questions are understandable after dealing with such a situation. Coping with such a betrayal becomes a long-term challenge. Although the pain won’t go away instantaneously, this is a time where you can keep yourself busy with things and people that you enjoy. I’m not an overall fan of using distraction, but after an early painful event, some distraction is fine to help with coping.

There are several things that may help your relationship, but even more importantly yourself. The most important thing to figure out at this point is what you want. This can be a very challenging task at such an emotional time. You are best to avoid trying to foresee the future. There’s no way to know what will happen in the future, but you can decide if this is a relationship that you can salvage with the right help.

Your relationship may be in a very fragile place, but it could still have hope. I recommend that your partner seek out counseling to better understand the underlying causes of his behavior, and you seek out supportive counseling to answer questions like those above. You may not want to make an immediate decision of whether or not you want the relationship to continue. It is fine to say that you’re not sure what you want at that particular moment.

Cybersex Addiction 2.0

Cybersex addiction isn’t necessarily a new problem in the world of sexual addiction. However, cybersex addiction has become an increasingly challenging addiction to overcome. Elements of fantasy and addictive qualities were always present with the usage of cybersex, but now there’s increased accessibility for cybersex addicts and potential cybersex addicts that has seriously amplified this problem. Phone applications such as Blendr, Grindr, and Scruff, as well as already existing sites such as Ashley Madison and Manhunt, increase your risk of addiction if you are someone who is already vulnerable to this type of addictive behavior. These websites encourage and sometimes even promote mentalities that can get stuck in fantasy or that of searching through a people store. They seriously transform courtship and make it seem like it should be easier than it actually is. They even undermine values that people have in their relationships.

How can you tell if your cybersex use is a problem? Not all usage of cybersex is a sexual addiction, yet for many others, cybersex usage can result in serious consequences. If you’re preoccupied with chatting or shopping around on these particular sites, then it could very well be a problem. If you’re in a relationship, does your partner or spouse know about your usage of these sites and applications? Even if he or she does, are you sure that you’re not allowing time to be sucked away by these applications, when you could be more productive? Finally, are you using these cybersex websites while at work? If you answer “yes” to any of these questions, you may benefit from talking to a sex addiction expert. This professional therapist can help you assess this problem and determine if you would benefit from counseling for it.

Smart phones give people an accessibility that they never before they existed. There is increasing research to show that some people are more vulnerable to the addictive qualities of using phones for cybersex purposes. It may be the search itself that is addictive. Or it may be a way of numbing yourself from current stress or frustration at work or at home. Regardless, if you’re wondering whether or not you have a problem with a cybersex addiction, you likely should take the step of having this further evaluated. Thus, don’t wait any longer to further evaluate this problem. Contact a trained sex addiction therapist today to help you determine if this is a problem, and begin treating it if needed.

Is It Time to Change?

Deciding when it is time to change can be extremely challenging. Accepting a problem can be a difficult undertaking. One of the biggest reasons for this is that in order to accept, you have to know that the problem exists. It’s easy to go through life not picking up on hints that you need to change. There are likely hints all around you that you need to make a change in your life, but they aren’t always apparent. Also, the realization that you need to make a change, especially if you are dealing with a sex or porn addiction, can be a painful one. In order to recognize whether or not you have a problem, you often have to look outside of yourself for answers. Asking yourself the following questions can help you assess whether or not you’re living with a sexually addictive behavior:

What would my actions mean to someone else?
Am I ashamed of my actions?
Do I justify my sexual behavior to myself?
Am I being open about my sexual behavior with my partner or spouse?

Questions such as these can push yourself to identify what you maybe have never before noticed as a problem. If you’re dealing with sex addiction, a problem isn’t always that easy to identify. The compartmentalization of what you can and can’t control, as well as the justification of what will and won’t hurt others can dilute your reasoning. If you’re questioning, it is quite possible that there is a problem. To help you with this, contact a trained sex addiction counselor, to help you assess the problem. Attend a sex addiction support group, and listen to the stories of others, and see if they sound familiar. Although it’s difficult to open your mind to a possible long and challenging journey, the end result could be you finding contentment that you never before thought possible.

Would I Benefit From Sex Addiction Counseling?

Determining whether or not you could benefit from counseling is difficult for several reasons. These links and screening tools may be able to help you determine if you would be a good candidate for therapy or counseling. Whether you are unsure if you are a sex addict, unsure if your partner is a sex addict, or you are a partner of someone who is dealing with a sex addiction problem, these links may help you in deciding whether or not to seek out treatment or supportive counseling.

SAST: This Sex Addiction Screening Test can give you an indication of whether or not you likely have a problem with sex addiction. If you score six or above, you likely are dealing with a problem with sex addiction. This is a screening tool, and not an assessment. In order to get an accurate diagnosis of whether or not sex addiction is a problem, you really should seek out the help of a professional.

Signs Your Partner is a Sex Addict: It can be difficult to know if your partner is or is not a sex addict. This list by the Sexual Recovery Institute can serve as a good guide to help you decide this.

There are also screenings to help you if you’re the partner of a sex addict or someone who has sexually betrayed you.

Betrayal Bond Index: This can help you get an idea of your whether or not your bonding is based on betrayal.

Co-dependency Scale: This scale can help you determine whether or not you are dealing with a problem relating to co-dependence.

Category: sex addiction