Romantic relationships are challenging. This is undeniable. When two different people come together, who have different points of view, and different perspectives, finding a balance can be challenging. For some, it is such a challenge that they would rather shape their partner into someone else, rather than accept who their partner already is. If left to it’s own device, this fantasy-ridden way of thinking about your relationship can lead to resentment, frustration, and pain.
When working to identify your part of a dissatisfaction in your relationship, you need to first acknowledge the fantasies that you have about the relationship. These fantasies may be about your sexual relationship, the attention that you receive from the other person, and the experiences that you want to share. Then you need take personal responsibility for these fantasies. If you don’t take the time to acknowledge that these fantasies come from you, then the negative feelings that you have about your partner will likely increase. Your partner will take the brunt of the frustration that you feel about the discrepancy between what is and how you want things to be.
Fantasy is not a problem by itself. We all have different fantasies of how we would like things to be. This may be one way to brainstorm, so that you can establish personal goals. However, you’re only responsible for your own actions and reactions. You can’t attempt to change your partner’s behavior, and reach contentment. You can only communicate what you prefer, and let what happens happen.
Viewing your relationship in this way can be very empowering. After you take responsibility for your own fantasies, you can find a common ground for yourself. You won’t have to be on a chase for something that you have no control of: another person’s behavior. You can make decisions for yourself, and determine what you want, and what you are willing to compromise. Most importantly, you define your own level of contentment, and find a way to share this with someone else.