Tag: infidelity

The Dreaded Holiday after Cheating

The holidays can be overwhelming in the most normal of circumstances. Thus, approaching a holiday after an infidelity or affair can seem like the most daunting of tasks. This is a delicate process that needs to have some planning behind it before you enter into this particular arena. There is no right or wrong way to handle this complicated time. However, these questions can help you in making a plan that can make it easier for you to handle.

1. Who do you trust?
We don’t trust everyone who is part of our family. Sometimes this is one of the things that can make the holidays tricky, even without such a difficult circumstance as an infidelity. The pressures associated with the holidays can leave you feeling very alone. Identifying a member of the family that you really do trust with this information can help you feel like you have an ally in those lonely moments.

2. Are you able to spend time with your spouse or partner’s family?
This can be an extremely emotional thing to handle. Sometimes, those who have been cheated on aren’t emotionally ready for this, but they soldier on through regardless. This can create even more trauma. Recognizing what you’re able to handle at this time, and respecting this for yourself is not easy, but can help you in the long run.

3. Do you know relaxation techniques?
Learning techniques to help with feelings of emotional flooding can help you to cope with the stresses of the holiday.

4. Do you have an escape plan?
It’s wise to come up with an escape plan should you feel like you need to have some time to yourself. Knowing what you would say to family in order to get out of the gathering should you need to can be extremely helpful.

5. What will you tell your family if they ask you questions?
Your family may ask questions or make statements about your relationship. Sometimes these are pure assumptions. It’s important for you to have a plan of what you will say to them, so you’re not overwhelmed when they do ask these questions.

6. Who is in your support section outside of your family?
It’s extremely important to have friends that you can call on to support you at any time. Knowing who these people are, and trusting in them at this time can help you in the very difficult situations.

Holidays can be tough. This list of questions is not final, because there are several intangible things that you have to consider. However, it can help you to prepare yourself, so that you don’t feel completely overwhelmed during the holiday season.

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“All I Want to Know Is Why”

I hear this question from partners and those who are dealing with sex addiction as well. A partner will ask, “why did he do it?” Why did he go outside of the sexual boundaries of the relationship? So often, the addict will answer with “I don’t know.” Although it often seems like this answer is avoidance, it often is the truth. A great deal of recovery for sex addicts is gaining a better understanding into the basis of their behavior.

So as the partner of someone who has gone outside of the boundaries of your relationship, how do you deal with this understandable question? You wanting to understand the reasons why this person, who you thought you knew, would go outside of your boundaries is understandable. Knowing the origins of this question for yourself can help you process through this.

Many times, partners who have been subjected to this difficult time are questioning their own place in this situation. They wonder if they sexually did something wrong. At this time, it is important to remember that sex addiction is not about sex, but more about problems with intimacy and attachment. None of these problems were created by you. Rather, they were likely formed well before you even met your partner or spouse.

This is what can make it very difficult for the addict to understand. What seemed to be only deception for the addict is now very complicated. It’s likely difficult to sympathize with these complications at this point in your partner’s recovery, which is why it is very helpful for you to have supportive counseling yourself to process this through. Know that your questions are valid ones, but your addicted partner likely has a genuine lack of understanding at this time, which will make it difficult for him to answer. With the right help and support, you both can learn and grow together to make better sense of this difficult situation.

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When You Catch Your Partner Cheating

The crisis that can accompany discovering that your partner is cheating on you can be quite traumatic. At times, this is so well hidden, that there was no previous inclination that cheating was even a possibility with this person. Whether it be an emotional affair, sex outside of the relationship, or cybersex chatting or phone sex, there is likely to be sense of serious betrayal. This may catch you completely off guard or you may have wondered if there was a concern that has now been verified. Either way, emotions are likely to be high at this time. It’s extremely challenging to know what to do next. Several questions may come to mind:

  • “Does he love me?”
  • “Did we have an healthy sex life?”
  • “Am I some how to blame?”
  • “Is the other person more attractive?”
  • “Is he questioning his sexual orientation?”
  • “Is our relationship hopeless?”
  • “Should I stay?”
  • “Can I ever trust him again?”

Any or all of these questions can lead you to feel angry, unsure, and sad. These questions are understandable after dealing with such a situation. Coping with such a betrayal becomes a long-term challenge. Although the pain won’t go away instantaneously, this is a time where you can keep yourself busy with things and people that you enjoy. I’m not an overall fan of using distraction, but after an early painful event, some distraction is fine to help with coping.

There are several things that may help your relationship, but even more importantly yourself. The most important thing to figure out at this point is what you want. This can be a very challenging task at such an emotional time. You are best to avoid trying to foresee the future. There’s no way to know what will happen in the future, but you can decide if this is a relationship that you can salvage with the right help.

Your relationship may be in a very fragile place, but it could still have hope. I recommend that your partner seek out counseling to better understand the underlying causes of his behavior, and you seek out supportive counseling to answer questions like those above. You may not want to make an immediate decision of whether or not you want the relationship to continue. It is fine to say that you’re not sure what you want at that particular moment.

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